Vintage Whine: YCCC and Supporters

Yorkshire committee:

(The In-Fighting)
“part of me always secretly looks forward to the off-season. As once the playing side of things is out of the way, the real entertainment begins. Regicide, accusations of favouritism and/or nepotism and the inevitable arguments over car-parking spaces, that spiral in intensity to the level of an Albanian blood feud. All of them feature in a typical Yorkshire off-season. In fact, the only reason the committee has so many skeletons in the closet is that there’s no more room for bodies under the patio.“

(Interegating Martyn Moxon)
“DoubleM (Martyn Moxon) was also absent, spending part of the first morning reporting on the season’s preparations to the committee. ‘Entering Thunderdome’ as such a summons is known amongst the staff. Although I’m not sure why, as we don’t employ anyone who looks like Mel Gibson and Brian Close is about the last person you’d expect to say “Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be Tina Turner”. Still, if there’s one phrase that sums up the Yorkshire committee room, it’s “Two men enter, one man leaves”.“

(On the publication of Chris Adams’ memoirs)
“had he (Chris Adams) never heard of the Yorkshire committee before? Brian Close is the cuddly one. After suggesting they spend money, he was lucky to get out of the committee room with all his fingernails in place.“

(Favoured reading)
“news has reached the dressing room that the committee book club’s current choice of reading – a biography of Tomás de Torquemada – has managed to whip them up into early 1980’s levels of blood lust, just in time for the annual review of contracts.

The atmosphere hasn’t been helped by Mags winding everyone up about the ‘methods’ used to persuade him to stay at the club when he threatened to walk out a couple of winters ago. Tales of an IKEA bed converted into a medieval torture rack may sound implausible, but according to the physio’s records, Oliver Hannon-Dalby was only 5’8 before he agreed to sign his recent junior pro contract. You can draw your own conclusions from that.“

(Dawn of the undead)
“on the second day of this game I forgot to dive for cover when t’committee made their annual appearance in the dressing room and I ended up trapped in a conversation with several of them. It’s very disconcerting when that happens in the changing area, as out of the corner of your eye you can see yourself in the mirror appearing to be talking to thin air. Because, as I’m sure you’re aware, to join t’committee you must first go down to the Leeds-Hull/York-Doncaster crossroads at midnight to pledge your soul to Lord Hawke. Thus ensuring that that you never again cast a shadow or produce a reflection on a shinny surface.“

(Comparisons to regieme of Sadam Hussein)
“Yorkshire’s record of man management in years gone by has made Uday Hussein look like Mary Poppins.“

Chief Exec, Stewart Regan:

(Generosity)
“As on all away trips, the team stay at the travel lodge nearest the local McDonalds, whilst I bed down in the luggage compartment of the coach. I know that sounds a bit hard going on a 77-year-old, but it’s like Mr Regan says – look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves. He told me that through his office window, as he doesn’t let me inside in case the air-conditioning he had installed sets off my chilblains. He’s like that is Mr Regan, always thinking of our best interests.“

“it was all in keeping with the Yorkshire end of season knees up. As always, the basic idea came from the Captain: “Fancy Dress”. With the theme being supplied by the Chief Exec: “Nothing too expensive, the committee room jacuzzi needs de-scaling”.“

(Determination)
“I don’t think I’ve seen such dogged determination since someone super-glued a pound coin next to the Chief Exec’s car parking space“

(When the signing of Morne Morkel seemed to have gone tits up)
“the first anyone knew we had a problem was this morning, when the fire brigade turned up at Headingley to cut the chief execs’ fist from out of the hole he’d just punched in the committee room wall. After being finally extracted, his mood wasn’t improved by discovering just how thin the oak panelling actually was. Dark muttering where then heard coming from his office as he spent the remainder of the morning scrapping at the taps in his en suite with the end of a protractor, to see if we’d been jipped again and fitted with gold leaf after we’d paid for solid. He’s like that is the chief exec. Always making sure we get value for money.“

(Honorary Yorkshireman)
“The knock on effects could be serious too, as the temptation is always there to play bowlers coming back from injury before they are fully recovered. Not to mention the effect on the Chief Exec when he opens our next medical insurance premium renewal – he was shaking for three days the last time the cost of first class stamps went up.“

(Attitude to pay structure)
“With the salt in the wounds the fact we were just six runs short of another batting bonus point. If I had a pound for every time we’ve fallen just short like that in the last couple of seasons, I’d have seven quid. Or as the chief exec would call it, “Your Christmas bonus”.“

Yorkshire Batting Guru, Kevin Sharp:

(Plans for Winter…)
“I had chance to have a long chat with Yorkshire’s new-age batting coach, Kevin Sharp, about his plans for the winter.

Kevin’s an amiable kind of chap, and once you get past some of his more unusual opinions on the game – fields should be set according to the rules of ‘Feng Shui’, never play a cut shot whilst the moon is eclipsing Uranus, that sort of thing – he’s actually a very interesting guy.

It turns out he’s currently getting ready to follow a group of Shaolin monks, as they tour the country with their “Wheel of Life” show. Kevin’s convinced they can help him on his path to discovering batting perfection. What he refers to as “the one inch punch through extra cover“.

He’s also taking his favourite Native American dreamcatcher and some communion wafers for them to bless. I know, I know, he’s going to feel such a fool when he finds out they’re Presbyterians.“

(…and the after effects)
“If a tape loop, alternating between the mating call of the Beluga whale and the Mongolian Army choir performing the score of The Pirates of Penzance, wasn’t a big enough distraction, there was also the presence of newly-installed, six foot high wind chimes, over each bowling lane.

Let me tell you, Steve Oldham’s not happy about the thought of his blue-eyed boys risking bamboo splinters just so we can “recreate the tranquilly of the womb”. In fact he’s threatened to do something to Kevin involving the first-team bowling machine, that’s probably physically impossible and would almost certainly invalidate the warranty.“

Head Bowling Coach, Steve Oldham:

(The 2007 end of season party)
“I’m not sure how long things lasted before people got changed again and headed into town, as I’d made my excuses fairly soon after the karaoke machine was wheeled out. To be exact, it was right after Steve Oldham’s, erm, ‘brave attempt’ at “Rhythm is a Dancer”. That’s an image that will take a lot of alcohol to remove.“

(Preparing to tour the UAE)
“…nobody admitted to owning the ant farm or Borat style mankini that had already been loaded onto the coach, although I did notice that Steve Oldham had a guilty look when the latter turned up.“

Director of Cricket Operations, Ian Dews:

(Master of disguise)
“a budget for pre-season friendlies that restricted us to anywhere within two hours range of the student railcards the chief exec liberated from the hands of the academy lads – exactly how Ian Dews managed to pass himself off as Joe Root I’ll never know.“

PR & Communications Manager, James Buttler:

(Confusion over Morne Morkle’s signing)
“Ever since then it’s looked like panic stations in the office block, with members of the marketing and PR departments in a complete tizz and the communications manager so disorientated he was actually caught at his desk doing some work. Which would explain why the official web site was down for most of tonight.“

(The Charlie Kaufmann of Headingley)
“I’m sure many of you will know that Yorkshire’s PR Manager, and shifty looking White Rose TV front man, James Buttler, is a budding screenplay author.

His latest attempt, the intriguingly titled Who fights now the Condor?, is a Bollywood re-imagining of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. Although I understand he’s been having some difficulty generating interest in the script, as there’s not much history of mixing mime and gangster rap in the Indian film industry.

The last time we spoke he mentioned having to remove the abusive references to Sheffield Wednesday as well as re-working the final fight scene because “on reflection the Dalai Lama is unlikely to use a flame-thrower”.“

“Current Yorkshire PR manager, and disturbing White Rose TV presence, James Buttler, has come a long way since his days flogging aquariums and second hand dental equipment on York Market. Now safely ensconced in a YCCC office with a panoramic view of the Headingley car park, he plys his trade trying to make press releases about refurbishments to the pavilion toilets seem windswept and interesting.

As many of you will remember from a previous post, James is a budding screenplay author, currently having difficulty finding a buyer for Who fights now the Condor? his gangsta-rap inspired, Bollywood re-imagining of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds.

Well better news this week as according to James a thorough re-working of the third act has resulted in “the death star scene now being much more integrated into the script. If we can persuade Jackie Chan to play the hobbit I think it’s a go”.

When I get chance I’ll try and pass on details of some of his other ‘projects’: the glove puppet version of the Battle of the Bulge, Mr Snuffles says “nuts” and his all dwarf re-telling of Doctor Zhivago, The snow gets everywhere.“

“James brings us news of a further re-write this week: “To add an extra element of poignancy, I’ve decided the marriage proposal will now be made with the prospective groom down on one knee, rather than bouncing up and down on a space-hopper. I’ve also decided that the head of the team researching an antidote to the alien virus will no longer receive assistance from the ghost of Brian Clough. Looking at it now, that was always a silly idea. Dr Carstairs is a Leeds fan, so he’s much more likely to be haunted by Billy Bremner”.“

Yorkshire supporters

(Always looking on the bright side of life)
“the Yorkshire faithful can not only run the full gamit of emotions from slight despondency, all the way to borderline suicide risk (depending on whether we’ve won the toss), but there’s also a dark sardonic humour that runs through the ranks. In fact, I once saw somebody in the Northern Enclosure laugh. Although, given their dentures fell out in the process, I doubt they’ll repeat the experience.“

(Attitude to each other)
“…in reality, pretty much the only thing that unites Yorkshire fans, is the unshakeable belief it’s everybody else in the ground that’s a miserable bastard.“

(Are known to hold a grudge)
“We’ve still got some crusty old buggers out there bitterly complaining that ‘George Hirst hasn’t bowled many overs into the wind since he died’.“

(Understanding of irony)
“Yorkshire cricket lovers are a funny lot. Not just funny peculiar, but funny ha ha too. As there’s no way they could refer to themselves as ‘supporters’ and ‘the faithful’ without a deep understanding of complex multi-layered irony. It’s either that or they’re completely lacking in self-awareness. Or perhaps a bit thick.“

(On the 346 run victory over Surrey at the start of the 2007 season)
“Yorkshire supporters were delighted (as they’ll) be able to spend the whole season bemoaning our failure to live up to this performance.“

(A new season brings new despondency)
“given that most of our lot think civilisation is on it’s last legs if they can’t find a car parking space on the Kirkstall Lane, you know it won’t be long before they’re trudging by, radiating a vibe of ‘it ain’t right this’. Which of course, is the one sure sign that, actually, all is well with the world and we can start the season proper“

(Members opinion of season)
“Ask the membership and you’ll get the same answers as every other year. Some will launch into an interminable lecture, explaining how every player wearing the white rose ‘back in the day’ made Gary Sobers look like Derek Pringle. Whilst others will tell you that the modern day lads don’t show enough commitment to the county and are all too happy to go and ply their trade elsewhere. A point which is rather undermined by the knowledge of how many of the faithful drive up for the day from the stockbroker belt.“

(Attitude to other clubs)
“…(Yorkshire) supporters can find a reason to dislike every other club on the circuit. Not that anyone should take them too seriously; being a curmudgeon is like being one of those street magicians; you need to keep practising if you want to make it look effortless.“

(Wanting to be different)
“Tied games tell a Yorkshireman the one thing he never wants to hear about his team – it’s exactly the same as someone else’s. When the other side is Derbyshire, that hurts all the more. It’s like finding out you lapped Silverstone in an identical time to Stevie Wonder, or have the same level of funkiness as Michael Schumacher.“