Vintage Whine: Moan, moan, moan

The opening day of the season

(I know what you did last summer)
“the nervous energy of a dressing room full of expectation and aspiration; as the uncapped lads find a corner they can call their own, whilst the older hands try to remember which female stewards they need to avoid making eye contact with.“

(Journalistic priorities)
“…the smell of cheap after-shave and corruption flouts down from the press box, to be joined later by the frantic clatter of keyboards as the deadline approaches for submitting expense claims.“

Sky Sports commentators:

(The man whose smile fell off)
“For younger readers, I should point out that thirty years ago Bob Willis was a fine test bowler, rather than the walking advert for the film career of George Romero that currently stalks the corridors of the Sky Sports Centre“

(Attitude to county cricket)
“The great thing about Sky’s coverage of course, is that they employ so many commentators that couldn’t give a rat’s arse about county cricket. Even if you’ve spent the entire season playing like your feet are stapled together and last time at the wicket hit yourself in the face with your own bat, don’t worry, they’ll never know. So a couple of pretty looking cover drives later, you can have Bob Willis demanding to know why you’re not in England’s 30-man development squad. If you’re lucky, Mike Atherton might glance up from playing Internet poker on his blackberry long enough to join in too.

It’s that easy to become an overnight county cricket sensation. Just ask Graham Napier“

Twenty/20

(Knowing it’s market)
“Twenty twenty. Good name that. Calling it 666 would have made it much harder to sell as an ideal Sunday afternoon out.“

(I’m more of an Edgbaston 2005 man myself)
“Which of course is what 20/20 has been designed to produce: some quick ups and downs followed by an exciting climax. You can see why it’s popular with young lads; it’s basically sex without the foreplay.“

Batting collapses

(Biggie, Tupac and Harold)
“Which bring us very nicely to 105-7. A position so precarious, that a Yorkshire win was now about as likely as ‘Dickie’ Bird getting caught up in a rap feud.“

(Yorkshire batting more unstable than the Large Hadron Collider)
“I’ll not rake over the coals of this much more, beyond saying some of our lot where trudging back to the pavilion so quickly they where in danger of meeting themselves on the way out. If only they had, it could have ripped a hole in the space/time continuum large enough to allow us to play the match again. Although we’d probably only go and cock it all up again…“

Yorkshire’s injury crisis:

(Comparison between Darren Gough and the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge)
“we went into this match buoyed by the return of Hoggy, as replacement for a Darren Gough whose current level of mobility is somewhere between Douglas Barder and Professor Steven Hawking. Which still makes him several weeks closer to fitness than the rest of our squad.“

(Tim Bresnan, stranger to fresh fruit?)
“The injury crisis at the club has now gone beyond a joke, disappeared over the horizon and reappeared behind us as a joke again. Which is why a few of the backroom staff have had special bingo cards made up with names of players and injuries instead of numbers. I’ve just got to cross off Tim Bresnan and scurvy to get a complete line. Given his diet it’s only a matter of time. Play the waiting game Len, play the waiting game.“

(After the seventh bowler of the season pulls up injured)
“If it were a string of racehorses going lame like this, we’d have enough glue by now to keep Henry (the tame toupee) stuck on Rana’s head for the rest of his natural.“

The name change to Yorkshire Carnegie:

(Please follow this advice)
“But don’t think it’s just the team that’s being asked to undergo an identity makeover; management has been prepared to do their share of placating our business sponsors as well. So next time you see the Chief Exec or Committee Chairman round and about the ground, feel free to walk up and refer to them by their new sponsored names: Stewart “Chocolate HobNob” Regan and Colin “Leather Pro Abdominal Guard, for all your groin protection needs” Graves. They won’t mind – it’s for the good of the club“

One day ineptitude:

(Yorkshireman’s ‘special area’ revealed)
“In general we seem to be slowly moving in the right direction since the nadir of our recent one day performances – 2006’s Pro40 campaign; which can be measured on the trauma scale as something akin to being touched by a strange man on the night bus. With this year’s last minute failure to secure a home tie for our FP quarterfinal being more like the uncomfortable feeling that you’ve paid more than your fair share on a works outing to a restaurant. Although I suppose for many Yorkshiremen, having their wallet emptied is “being touched in your special area”.“

(Yorkshire ability in one-off cup ties)
“Yorkshire in a limited overs quarter-final. Do I need to paint a picture? We went on to the field showing all the confidence of a matador on a unicycle.“

The joys of county cricket:

(critics of)
“the County Championship has its fair share of critics; mainly made up of those who never watch it: Australians, cricket journalists, sky sports commentators, the England selection panel, etc.“

(When two sides try to underdo each other)
“both sides combined to give the Sky team covering the game an exhibition of poorly paced innings, bowling that had as many extras as Ben Hur and catching that featured more grassed balls than a naturist picnic.“

(Derby v Yorkshire FP Cup 2008 or Harry Potter and the secret of the re-arranged starting time)
“The icing on the cake being a significant proportion of the supporters turning up late due to the start time being brought forward, with the counties showing the kind of ability to pass that information on you’d normally associate with Cistercian monks.

How the county game can keep cocking up things like that is beyond me. If they really want to make it that difficult to attend a day’s play they should go the whole hog and employ snipers to pick the membership off as they try to sneak into the grounds. It’s not as if they move particularly quickly.“

(2008 FP Quarter-final at chelmsford)
“you wonder if Essex had sold more tickets than seats, as there where groups of people standing at various points round the ground. Not much fun if you’ve driven all the way down from Yorkshire and spent £18 for the privilege of standing all day. But still, there was plenty of leg room in the corporate areas and as all cricket fans know, that’s the most important thing…“

The Weather:

(Unpredictability)
“The start of this game was one of those typical, four seasons in three sessions, days, that Headingley seem to specialise in. You know the ones, the days when you walk back to the car park hoping your arms aren’t too sunburnt to dig your Vauxhall out of the snowdrift.“

(Rain effected draws)
“At other times of course, and this game is a prime example, you find yourself praying for rain to save you from defeat, allowing your team to pick up the four points for a draw. Not really within the spirit of the game I suppose, but neither is picking the seam, running out batting partners because they get on your tits, or trying to shag the captains wife – but they all happen. I can name players from the past who managed all three during the same game.“

(Lets laugh at Lanchashire)
“The weather this English ’summer’ seems to be trapping us all in a continuing loop of hollow activity with no prospect of it ever counting for anything. It feels a bit like being the guy who cleans the championship trophy cabinet at Old Trafford.“

The Pre-season training camp in Abu Dhabi

“We’re all going on a pre-season training camp,
No more lousy weather for a week or two.
Absolutely no scuba diving on our pre-season training camp,
No more indoor nets for me or you,
for a week or two.

We’re going where the sun shines brightly,
We’re going where the sea is blue.
We’ve heard they serve beer in the hotel bars,
Please God let it be true.“

The ECB are morons:

(Fixture lists)
“There are any number of things wrong with the fixture list for the county season. No set day of the week for Championship games to start. Four-day matches scheduled to finish on a Saturday, so any side strong enough at home to win inside three days looses vital weekend revenue. And of course the perennial favourite: bank holidays when there’s no cricket anywhere north of the Wash.

In fact, if you sat down to write a list of the cricket season’s idiosyncratic scheduling cock-ups you’d end up with a book just about the right size and weight to beat some sense into the ECB bean counters. Even if it didn’t, you’d still have a hell of a lot of fun taking out your frustration on people too dumb to realise that starting championship and second eleven games so close together, results in junior pros risking life and limb by having to drive like the clappers down the motorway once they’re relived of twelfth man duties.“

Wisden Cricketer Magazine:

(A brief outbreak of taste)
“My thanks to the insightful, discerning and almost certainly fecund young men and women at The Wisden Cricketer, for making ‘Last of the Summer Whine’ their blog of the month. Well, actually it’s a feature call ‘Best of the Blogs’, but I’m going to distort the facts to fit my own agenda. They’re journalists. They’ll understand.“

On a personnal note:

(The joys of touring in the UAE)
“… I discovered that if you eat more couscous than you can shake a pointy stick at, then a pointy stick becomes about the only way you can get it back out again…“

(Ripple effect from the Standford 20/20 for $20M)
“Disappointment hung over ‘Kitman towers’ at the news of England’s humiliation in the Stanford 20/20 for 20 match. As many of you may know, my nephew KentheEnglandKitMan was in line for a financial pick-me-up should the assembled group of none-Yorkshire cadavers masquerading as the national team be triumphant. The $1 million earmarked to be shared amongst the back room staff would have meant around £7,000 finding it’s way into Ken’s back pocket. More than enough to buy his dream house in Mexborough.

I’m joking of course, no one dreams of buying a house in what is know locally as Satan’s Armpit.

Still it’s a shame, that boy’s like a son to me. Unlike my biological offspring, BentheLancashireKitman, who I’m estranged from for obvious reasons. Calling my granddaughter Jocasta, I ask you.“

(Trying not to touch the sides)
“They say that variety is the spice of life – I wouldn’t know, I’ve been parking my car in the same garage for almost 50 years now“

(The sister-in-law from hell. Well, Malton)
“These are proving to be dark days at Kitman Towers, as I’ve been feeling almost as besieged as the Yorkshire team, ever since Mrs Len’s rather poisonous sister, Ada, came to stay with us. As well as some rather cutting remarks about my rhubarb patch and her claim that I “carve the Sunday joint like Zorro”, I’m beginning to suspect she’s given the dog distemper.“

(My place in the world)
“I’m having to watch ours take a pasting from my cubby-hole under the pavilion. (For those of you wanting to locate it, look out for my observation periscope popping out of the grate directly in front of the advertising hoarding for ‘Ginsters Pasties’).

It’s not the best vantage point on the ground, but I’ve got to spend some time down there during home matches to justify what the committee refer to as, my “generous remuneration package”. I’m not sure if that’s how I’d describe minimum wage plus first pick of the canteen pies after they reach their sell-by-date, but there you go.“

(Mrs Len gets tiddly)
“The previous evening I’d been enjoying the club’s traditional end of season Indian meal, and it appears somebody sabotaged my top-set whilst I was under the influence. I know that sounds unlikely, but I’ve always left my teeth behind whenever I use the facilities, ever since a slightly tiddly Mrs Len lost hers down the pan one year, when we were on holiday in Magaluf.

It was a terrible to-do. She flatly refused to “put something in my mouth that’s been down a Spanish khazi” and from then on was unable to eat solids for the rest of our time out there. Six days of existing only on Sangria through a straw later, I had to pretend she was wheelchair-ridden, which she pretty much was by that point, just to get her onto the flight back home.“

(Working relationship with Darren Gough)
“myself and Darren have a good working relationship built round a mutually beneficial arrangement for the season. Namely, myself and Mrs Len got front row seats for the recent ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ tour and in exchange, that Leeds University researcher who acts as the clubs dietary consultant remains none the wiser whenever I find a half eaten Findus crispy pancake in the skippers laundry bag. He’s happy, I’m happy, everyone’s a winner. Well, apart from the Leeds Met guy, whose research data has been fatally compromised. Still, delaying a cure for diabetes is a small price to pay to stop Mrs Len nagging me about taking her out more often.“

Yorkshire’s fielding:

(Old before their time)
“even our more athletic younger players spent most of the afternoon diving around like they had the knees of a retired pneumatic drill operator.“

(Cover & Midwicket of the Gods)
“the ‘Jonty Rhodes as painted by L.S. Lowery’ figures of Lyth and Rashid.“

Team fitness:

“Most of our lot get a stitch crossing the road to buy a packet of fags.“

“one or two of our batsmen who’d only push the ball for a quick single if the umpire at the bowlers end was holding a biscuit barrel.“

(Bretts – chipy to the stars)
“How we’re so bad at judging a run, given the amount of practice our lot get scampering across the road to Bretts, is a mystery. Don’t believe me? Try going in there and asking for a ‘senior pro special’ – you’ll get one of each, some scraps and a leaflet on cholesterol. If it was the ‘Tuffty club guide to taking a quick single’ we might be getting somewhere.“

Miscellaneous:

(Thoughts on Scarborough)
“Home to countless Yorkshire cricketers, Wilfred’s 9-24 against the Australians and for six glory drenched years, the Asda challenge cup.“

(…and Botham didn’t quite get his leg over…)
“Up to now our lower middle order have proved to be one of our greatest strengths. Turning first innings totals from promising, ‘fancy coming in for a coffee’ type situations, into, ‘I share everything with my sister’ memorable results.“

(Running between the wickets)
“Martyn wasn’t too happy about the running either and had them all in early the third day to try and sort it out. I say all of them, but Joe Sayers was late after stopping on the way in to get a paper and being trapped in the newsagents for several hours whilst patiently “trying to gauge the pace of the electronic doors”. Apparently it wasn’t until the owner wedged them open with a box of jaffa cakes that he felt ready to make a dash for it.“

(A decline in team performance)
“ever since the end of June our batting line-up has been as stable as Johnny Vegas jumping up and down in the seat of a deckchair. The bowlers have looked like they couldn’t hit their own arse with a tambourine and our fielding has resembled a public appeal for increased funding into motor-neurone disease.“

(Having difficulty in finishing them off)
“Their last three wickets putting on 160 runs was a blow we never recovered from, with the last pairs 69 in particular, really, erm, sticking in the throat.“

“this season’s ‘répétition chic’ involving two days of competing hard in the first innings of games followed by two more where their chances of winning suddenly look as likely as Abu Hamza being voted Miss Teen Israel.“

( Reflextions on 2008 )
“we’ve also had chance to ponder on some of the real disappointments of the season for Yorkshire. The batting collapses, the inability of our opening pair to survive more than a couple of dozen deliveries and the opposition last-wicket stands that go on forever. The dropped catches, missed run outs, fielding slip-ups and seemingly endless list of injuries. Batsmen that under performed, bowlers that erred in line and length, and team performances that promised much but delivered little. Being thrown out of the twenty/20 competition, the humiliation in the FP semi-final at Chelmsford and the imminent threat of relegation to division two of the championship.

But more embarrassing perhaps, the state of Andy Gale and Chris Taylor’s haircuts.“