I represent a group of nine businessmen currently trapped in long term relationships with rapidly aging English partners. I admit we’ve all had some marvellous fun over the years, but the spark has gone for many of us; it just seems so hard to generate the same excitement as before.

Some of us are also ruefully counting the cost of these high maintenance relationships; particularly since our boss made it clear that to stay working for him urgent plastic surgery was required on the old dears to make them more presentable at business functions and social events. There’s no denying the resultant face-lifts have improved the view, but financially we’ve been left without a pot to piss in!

The situation became more complex after a recent trip to Asia, undertaken by myself and two of my colleagues, when an impressively slick local businessman suggested he could organise some arranged marriages with much younger companions. Let me tell you, we were bowled over by the introductions he made for us; we saw some real swingers that night, I witnessed things done with balls I’ve only ever dreamt of in the past. It was all we could do to stop ourselves throwing car keys into the glass bowl there and then.

But our problems started when we got back home. I wrote an ill-advised description of our exotic, Eastern encounter for the other guys in the group, but somehow it’s gotten into the hands of our boss.

He’s feigning moral outrage, caused by jealousy that he didn’t get invited along himself, and is now threatening to tell everyone about our sordid little tryst.

Please help,

S

Geoffrey Writes:

Did this meeting involve Shilpa Shetty? If so send photographs and further details. (Do not publish this response, I’m a married man myself)